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I am a border-ruffian from the State of Missouri. I am a Connecticut Yankee by adoption. In me, you have Missouri morals, Connecticut culture; this, gentlemen, is the
combination which makes the perfect man.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "PLYMOUTH ROCK AND THE PILGRIMS" ADDRESS AT THE FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, N. E. SOCIETY, PHILADELPHIA, DECEMBER 22, 1881
It is very difficult to take compliments. I do not care whether you deserve the compliments or not, it is just as difficult to take them.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "COMPLIMENTS
AND DEGREES" DELIVERED AT THE LOTOS CLUB, JANUARY 11, 1908
There's one thing I want to say about that English trip. I knew his Majesty the King of England long years ago, and I didn't meet him for
the first time then. One thing that I regret was that some newspapers said I talked with the Queen of England with my hat on. I don't do that with any woman. I did not put it on until she asked me
to. Then she told me to put it on, and it's a command there. I thought I had carried my American democracy far enough. So I put it on. I have no use for a hat, and never did have.
Mark
Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "COMPLIMENTS AND DEGREES" DELIVERED AT THE LOTOS CLUB, JANUARY 11, 1908
I have not sufficiently mastered German, to allow my using it with impunity. My
collection of fourteen-syllable German words is still incomplete. But I have just added to that collection a jewel--a veritable jewel. I found it in a telegram from Linz, and it contains ninety-five
letters:
Personaleinkommensteuerschatzungskommissionsmitgliedsreisekostenrechnungserganzungsr evisionsfund
If I could get a similar word engraved upon my tombstone I should sleep beneath it in peace.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches
I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw
apprentices in the weather-clerk's factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their
custom elsewhere if they don't get it.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "THE WEATHER", ADDRESS AT THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY'S SEVENTY FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY
There is a sumptuous
variety about the New England weather that compels the stranger's admiration--and regret. The weather is always doing something there; always attending strictly to business; always getting up new designs and
trying them on the people to see how they will go. But it gets through more business in spring than in any other season. In the spring I have counted one hundred and thirty-six different kinds of weather
inside of four-and-twenty hours.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "THE WEATHER", ADDRESS AT THE NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY'S SEVENTY FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY
The people of New England
are by nature patient and forbearing, but there are some things which they will not stand. Every year they kill a lot of poets for writing about "Beautiful Spring." These are generally casual
visitors, who bring their notions of spring from somewhere else, and cannot, of course, know how the natives feel about spring.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "THE WEATHER", ADDRESS AT THE NEW
ENGLAND SOCIETY'S SEVENTY FIRST ANNUAL DINNER, NEW YORK CITY
If I were asked an opinion I would call this an ungrammatical nation. There is no such thing as perfect grammar, and I don't always speak good
grammar myself.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches
First, girls, don't smoke--that is, don't smoke to excess. I am seventy-
three and a half years old, and have been smoking seventy-three of them.
But I never smoke to excess--that is, I smoke in moderation, only one
cigar at a time.
Second, don't drink--that is, don't drink to excess.
Third, don't marry--I mean, to excess.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "ADVICE TO GIRLS" address given at St. Timothy's School, June
10, 1909
A little of citizenship ought to be taught at the mother's knee and in the nursery. Citizenship is what makes a republic; monarchies can get along without it. What keeps a republic on
its legs is good citizenship.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "LAYMAN'S SERMON" given for the Young Men's Christian Association at the Majestic Theatre, New York, March 4, 1906.
We used
to trust in God. I think it was in 1863 that some genius suggested that it be put upon the gold and silver coins which circulated among the rich. They didn't put it on the nickels and coppers because
they didn't think the poor folks had any trust in God.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP" given to the alumni of the College of the City of New York at the Waldorf
Astoria on May 14, 1908
There was never a nation in the world that put its whole trust in God. It is a statement made on insufficient evidence. Leaving out the gamblers, the burglars, and the plumbers,
perhaps we do put our trust in God after a fashion. But, after all, it is an overstatement.
If the cholera or black plague should come to these shores, perhaps the bulk of the nation would pray to be
delivered from it, but the rest would put their trust in the Health Board of the City of New York.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "EDUCATION AND CITIZENSHIP" given to the alumni of the College
of the City of New York at the Waldorf Astoria on May 14, 1908
But now I am a farmer--a farmer up in Connecticut, and winning laurels. Those people already speak with such high favor, admiration, of my
farming, and they say that I am the only man that has ever come to that region who could make two blades of grass grow where only three grew before.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "DINNER TO MR.
JEROME" given at a dinner for District-Attorney Jerome at Delmonico's on the evening of May 7, 1909.
I am constructed like everybody else, and enjoy a compliment as well as any other fool, but I do like
to have the other side presented. And there is another side. I have a wicked side. Estimable friends who know all about it would tell you and take a certain delight in telling you things that I
have done, and things further that I have not repented.
The real life that I live, and the real life that I suppose all of you live, is a life of interior sin. That is what makes life valuable and
pleasant. To lead a life of undiscovered sin! That is true joy.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS" at a dinner the society gave for Samuel Clemens on
November 15, 1900
I like compliments. I like to go home and tell them all over again to the members of my family. They don't believe them, but I like to tell them in the home circle, all the
same. I like to dream of them if I can.
I thank everybody for their compliments, but I don't think that I am praised any more than I am entitled to be.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches,
"SOCIETY OF AMERICAN AUTHORS" at a dinner the society gave for Samuel Clemens on November 15, 1900
There are only two forces that can carry light to all the corners of the globe--only two--the sun
in the heavens and the Associated Press down here. I may seem to be flattering the sun, but I do not mean it so; I am meaning only to be just and fair all around.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches,
"SPELLING AND PICTURES" ADDRESS AT THE ANNUAL DINNER OF THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, AT THE WALDORF-ASTORIA, SEPTEMBER 18, 1906
It's my opinion that every one I know has morals, though I wouldn't
like to ask. I know I have. But I'd rather teach them than practice them any day. "Give them to others"--that's my motto. Then you never have any use for them when you're left
without.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "MORALS AND MEMORY" at a reception for Samuel Clemens held at Barnard College (Columbia University), March 7, 1906
All great efforts that led up
to the Fourth of July were made, not by Americans, but by English residents of America, subjects of the King of England.
They fought all the fighting that was done, they shed and spilt all the blood that was
spilt, in securing to us the invaluable liberties which are incorporated in the Declaration of Independence; but they were not Americans. They signed the Declaration of Independence; no American's name is
signed to that document at all.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN" ADDRESS DELIVERED SEPTEMBER 23, 1907
Anybody can write the first line of a poem, but it is a very
difficult task to make the second line rhyme with the first.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "FULTON DAY, JAMESTOWN" ADDRESS DELIVERED SEPTEMBER 23, 1907
I am not one of those who in
expressing opinions confine themselves to facts. I don't know anything that mars good literature so completely as too much truth. Facts contain a deal of poetry, but you can't use too many of them
without damaging your literature.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "THE SAVAGE CLUB DINNER" given July 6, 1907
All my life I have been honest--comparatively honest. I could never
use money I had not made honestly--I could only lend it.
Mark Twain, from Mark Twain's Speeches, "GENERAL MILES AND THE DOG", address given as the guest of honor at a dinner given by the Pleiades Club
at the Hotel Brevoort, December 22, 1907.
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